So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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