She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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