I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
