this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
