i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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