Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
