I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
