You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
