I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
