jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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