btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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