I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
