I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
sarcasm needs its own font
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
