she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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