You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
