I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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