i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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