Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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