seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
