I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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