Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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