Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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