hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
