she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
