youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize