your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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