Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
