My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
