I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
