If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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