I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Four minutes until I can fart!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
