Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
