I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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