I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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