you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
