I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
