if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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