I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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