Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
