All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
