i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
