if you like me you must not know who I am
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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