I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
