I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
my poor anus
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
