She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
