So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
