Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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