I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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