I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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