Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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