I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
