I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
