either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
