It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
