Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
