Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
