I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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