This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just had sex on a roof
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
