Are we in a gay sports bar?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize