watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
