it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
