why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
