Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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