Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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